Papa Rob Mattison, self-proclaimed President of the Revenue Assurance World, is up to his tricks again (but you did not need me to tell you that, did you?) I am trying to stick to a policy of ignoring this silly bugger, I promise. However, he is a hard man to ignore, thanks to his endless self-promotion. When I saw the announcement that he is offering revenue assurance training and certification to national telecommuications regulators, my brain went through a mental cartwheel. Revenue assurance training for national regulators? Is he serious?
Papa Rob’s announcement begins
“responding to demand from national telecommunications regulators…”
Pull the other one. Let us imagine what national telecommunications regulator has been writing to Papa Rob…
“Dear Mr. Papa Rob, I saw your website and was very very impressed by your global organization, GRAPA, and its certificate, CRAPA, and how you have so many members and have trained so many professionals and clearly sets the gold standard for the revenue assurance regulation, as you yourself often say on your website. I know nothing about the revenue assurance but it is top priority for my government, in the middle of the world economic slowdown, to pass new laws to force telecoms companies to do the revenue assurance whether they like it or not. That is why I typed the word ‘revenue assurance’ into Google and found your website, and was very pleased to see that it exists and you are such an honourable man with fine ethics, as it says on your ethics page, because all educated peoples know that if you read something on the Internet it must be true.
As you say yourself on your home page, the revenue assurance gives telcos a critical competitive edge. Because of this, my government believes we need to spend taxpayers’ money to forcing the stupid backward executives, with their stupid MBAs, that run our telecoms companies to do the revenue assurance, even if they are too stupid to do it, though apparently nobody is too stupid to do it, because everybody is doing it and has joined your magnificent global organization and I can find no contradiction in anything I just wrote. For this reason, although I am a lowly government official and there is no reason why a government official would want to enforce laws to make telcos do revenue assurance (that would be like passing laws to say telcos should really try hard to make a profit instead of making a loss), I want to join you and spend a week (and two weekends!) in the wonderful city of London, England, visiting the Tower of London where they chopped off Henry VIII’s head and Buckingham Palace where the Queen has the tea with the corgis, and also learning to write laws that tell people to do the revenue assurance things they should do.